Cooch Cannons

Is the Texas legislator always confiscating your tampons while you’re “falling for the communists?” Do you need some advice for how to hold onto your *ahem* products?

1. Nerf Guns

Riding the cotton pony ain’t easy if all your replacements are taken, so bring a nerf gun and load your tampons into that. If you have a child with you, make sure s/he is carrying it so the guards won’t get too suspicious.

I think we all know how to load one of these

I think we all know how to load one of these

2. Marshmallow Shooter

Make a Marshmallow Shooter out of PVC pipe and shove the tampons in there. Again, make sure you have a bag of marshmallows in your bag as a diversion to keep them from looking in the gun. If they ask what it is, just point to the marshmallows. It also helps to offer marshmallows to the guards. I hear guards love marshmallow bribes. Plus I hear marshmallows are a good thing to snack on when you’re dealing with a dishonourable discharge from the Uterine Navy.

Front-loaded…always remember it’s front-loaded

Front-loaded…always remember it’s front-loaded

3. Actual Gun

In Texas, those with a CHL are allowed to carry concealed loaded guns into the Capitol Building. So ladies with a CHL, just load your tampons into the gun. Since the legislators are perfectly ok allowing angry women with guns into the capital (and not angry women playing banjo in Sgt. Zygote’s Ragtime Band? Although that might actually be scarier), you won’t be questioned about the gun, and you get to skip all those pesky long lines at the entrance!

Feminine artillery: now more dangerous than actual bullets!

Feminine artillery: now more dangerous than actual bullets!

4. Tampon Vest

You can always simply use duct tape to strap the tampons directly to your body. You could call it “The Tambomb Vest.” This way, if you really actually need to lob tampons at passing legislators, you can just rip one off real quick and nobody’s the wiser.

Slightly more advanced than duct tape, but you get the picture

Slightly more advanced than duct tape, but you get the picture.

5. Tampon Ghosts

We already know that Republicans are terrified of tampons, so what would be more terrifying than the ghost of tampon??

Step one: Take the tampon out of the applicator.

Step two: Apply googly eyes to the top of the tampon (just under the string).

Step three: The guards are so scared of the tampon ghosts coming back to haunt them that they wave you through the line with no issues.



6. Loaded Cooch Cannon


If all else fails, you could simply load up before having your purse searched. This especially works if you’re actually riding the crimson wave, because you can follow these simple steps when you need to change out the tampon: 1) go to the bathroom and take it out like normal, 2) wrap it in some toilet paper, 3) since your replacements were confiscated, simply walk back to the guards and present your bloodied one for a fresh one, 4) tell them you’ll need at least two cuz it’s like a crime scene down there, 5) don’t worry about a body cavity search at this point.

Just remember these steps the next time Republicans get scared of PMS Girl lobbing tampons at them from her cooch cannon, and you’ll have a fun, full day!